What I learned from a gang leader

A pivotal learning experience in my life was as a houseparent for teenage girls in the Bay Area of California. I was a 22 year old half week live in “co-parent” where I was a single parent to six teenage girls, all with challenging family situations, most court ordered to be there after an arrest from gang activity and violence.

This would have been a tough job for a group of well seasoned parents who’d already raised their own children, let alone for a lil girl from small town Iowa who’d not really heard of gang violence, let alone grew up in the midst of it. There was so much to integrate, release and process, when I went to my own home, after my 72 hour shift was over, I often didn’t get out of bed for an entire day.

In total, I stayed at this job for three years and I probably wouldn’t have lasted more than a few months (the average houseparent made it about six months) if it weren’t for a strong leader that took over much of my limit setting, rule enforcing responsibilities.

She actually ran the house of six girls. She was 16 and everyone knew not to cross her and to keep the formal house rules, set by the adult house director.

Since the formal house rules were gradually lifted as the girls didn’t break them, she made sure no one broke the rules, so she would have more freedom.

The result on my side was wonderful. The girls got up and ready for school, on their own, every single morning. Out the door in time with no fuss. School work completed, chores done, room clean, meals eaten and rare fighting (that I could hear or was made aware.)

The teenage leader grew up in a family of gang members and was a natural leader. She had street smarts. I had none. I wanted everyone to like me. She demanded respect and obedience and didn’t care a flying fig if anyone liked her. I learned an incredible amount from her. My son should thank her as I’m a much better parent for having known her.

I started my job wanting the girls to feel understood, honored, respected and that I was on their side. I tried to be more of a friend than houseparent. I didn’t think they needed more discipline and rules. I thought they needed a friendly person who honored their individuality. I didn’t want them to be hurt or sad, just loved.

In short, I realized later, I wanted these girls to like me. I didn’t want them to be mad at me for imposing rules. I realized that was selfish and not in their best interest.

The girl’s life before the group home was chaotic, no consistency. At the group home there was more consistency and strongly enforced rules from most everyone (staff and the teenage leader) except me. The girls were able to finally thrive at school and other activities because of this structure and consistency.

In addition to my teenage mentor, there was a house manager who was there during the day. Our manager had been there for 15 years and though she wasn’t warm and fuzzy, more like a police officer, she was very consistent in her expectations and limit setting with the girls. They loved her. Many even called her Mom.

I thought it strange the girls turned into sweet kids around her. They laughed more and seemed to relax when she was around. I thought to be loved, you had to be a warm, soft, caring friend, yet she was firm and even cool in her matter-of-factness towards the girls. I realized they loved her because they could count on her for being consistent and to hold them accountable when they broke a rule. They could throw a tantrum and she would be almost unfazed. The tantrum would never change her boundaries or limits. In this, they felt safe. And so, they felt loved and thrived, in so many ways, for the first time in their lives.

Did the teenage or adult house leaders care if the girls were happy at all times? NO! Did they care if their rules and limits made the girls angry at them? NO! Did they care if the girls didn’t like them at times? Nope! Was either of their first priority that the girls be happy all the time? No. Did it even matter what the rules were? No, just that they were consistent in enforcing them. Were they firm and consistent? Yes.

It took me a long time, but I found out that when you are ok with not being “liked” in the short term, you can be loved in a deeper way because kids will feel safe. When we feel safe, we can love in way that we cannot when our first need for safety hasn’t been met.

That is why I stayed for three years at a job that paid just above minimum wage, took up 75% of my week and pushed every button I had. Each time I thought of leaving, I knew there was more for me to learn.

Eventually my teenage mentor, the real leader “graduated” and returned home. All the girls were entirely new from when I started. Without her doing my job of being a strong leader, there was more chaos during the nights and weekends when it was just me, no other adult staff.

After she left, since I wanted to be liked, I didn’t set consistent limits. The girls paid the price of not knowing which of the rules would be enforced each day and often acting out from feeling out of control with the lack of structure. They didn’t do as well in school as the girls with the consistency. They didn’t have the foundation of safety.

I realized that kids mostly feel loved when they feel safe. They feel safe when someone steps up and provides a consistent container of boundaries, rules and limits to bounce off, regardless of the emotions initially thrown back because of the limits.

It wasn’t until the end of my third year, before I left for grad school, to study to become a psychotherapist, that I fully understood that being consistent is more important than being liked. And from this, you can be loved. I’ve spent years learning how to implement this into my life.

How does this relate to toddler tantrum? So, kids can throw tantrums and the parent allows the tantrum without bending the rules or giving bribes to stop, to be “happy”. The parent stays consistent, regardless if the child doesn’t like them in the moment. The kids will feel more loved in the long term.

As a mother, I’m grateful everyday for not being confused by parenting theories, worrying much if I’m doing the right thing so he feels loved, feeling guilty because of feeling confused. Okay, I still feel confused and question myself, but come back to the basics and trust his core of brilliance. With the foundation from that job and the next decade of care-taking and counseling kids and their families, I feel confident in being able to be his mentor, his teacher, his consistent container so he can feel safe and from this, know he is loved. This is why I am a parent coach, so you can feel confident, empowered and know how to help your kids feel safe and thereby loved.