How to keep parenting disagreements from ruining your intuition
Have you noticed everyone has an opinion on how people should parent?
Geez it’s maddening.
And it’s wonderful. Yep, I think it’s wonderful everyone has opinions that are so widely varied. In most places outside the US there is a strong collective belief in how to raise kids and most people raise their kids in that way out of the peer pressure. That’s why there is French, Chinese, Swiss, Swedish, Namibian parenting styles.
It seems to me the US style of parenting is, “Hmmm, I am gonna make this up as I go.” Exhausting but full of freedom of choice.
I feel the overload of information creep into my days as a mom here and there. I do a lot of mini experiments to see what works. Then, I tend to give it all up and go about parenting through listening- to my son, to myself, heck even to my hubby occasionally!
I often struggle with my curiosity and desire to study parenting styles and how to balance it with my desire to stay peaceful, since my research often makes me angry and frustrated by the weird, guilt, fear inducing notions of what’s “right”, “best”, “scientifically proven” for raising wonderful kids.
Same is true with our families and friends, they have as many opinions as the books & blogs out there. It’s tricky because books don’t keep sending controlling energy our way after we’ve put them away. People will.
How do you keep your intuitive knowing strong when you have a lot of opinions & disagreements coming your way on how to parent?
Intuitive knowing comes from knowing yourself, your child(ren) and your values.
It’s easy to second guess our deeper knowing of what is needed in a situation when we aren’t totally sure of our parenting values and how to orient towards them consistently. I’d like to write a whole book on this topic because it’s one of the most helpful foundations of my parenting. I feel very lucky to have developed strong values on parenting. It helps me clear out the clutter of everyone’s ideas to come back to myself and my intuitive knowing each day.
But, I’m not going to make this post into a book, so here’s my values and you can get a sense of the process and how to hone in on your values. When you keep your compass going in the direction of your values, you have a clearer intuitive knowing of what’s needed, regardless of everyone’s opinions.
My values:
1. Clear, honest communication is most important to me as a mom. I communicate all day with Ferran, as we all do with our kids- mostly non-verbal! Verbally, I tell him what we are doing in our day, before and during. I reflect to him what is happening when he has a desire I’m unwilling to meet. Such as, “You want me to pick you up right now and I’m not going to because I’m cooking dinner and I can’t cook and hold you. You can play with this or go play with your toys over there.”
When in doubt about what’s needed, my communication is tuned to listening. This way I can tune into what Ferran is asking for, at a deeper level, with his cries or fussiness and tune into what I need as well. After listening to him and myself I improvise from there. For example, he loves to play in the dog water but generally only when he wants my attention. Do I take him away from the water and play with him (yes, if I have the space to do so) or do I set him up with a toy he likes, away from the water, and finish my thing (yes, if my thing is important- like making dinner).
2. I’m parent centered then child centered. Parent centered or child centered parenting is where most of the battles around parenting happen. Who leads whom? Make a parenting plan with your partner and decide on what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable in this arena. What will you lead as a parent? What will your child lead? (choices are things like sugar intake, nutrition, daily routine, nap time, TV). Then, when conflicts arise from other family members or friends, you will have a foundation to stand upon when talking to them and know where you might not mind bending in their direction.
3. Learning through open exploration is another top value of mine. It’s important to me that I help Ferran learn to explore the world on his own, without me right next to him at all times during the day. I’ve found I have to help him learn to explore, rather than rely only on me to keep him entertained.
After he’s had a lot of time with people entertaining him, at daycare or with friends/family, he will come up to me repeatedly for attention after only short amounts of solo play. I help him find something interesting and then leave him to explore. After repeating this a few times, he will get back into a rhythm of self directed exploration for long periods of time.
He learns so much through his exploration and in a world of instant gratification and endless passive entertainment, I’ve decided I want him to be able to entertain himself with confidence and creativity. You might feel it’s more important to be by your child’s side, giving education or entertainment- your value would be a high degree of parent involvement.
It’s good to be clear on this one as well because when someone says you hold your baby too much or not enough, then you’ll have a clear knowing of your value on this and not feel knocked around by their opinions.
4. Good, deep, nourishing sleep for me and for Ferran. This has influenced an immense amount of things in our first year together as you can probably imagine.
These four listed above are a few of my values and orienting principles. These values help me tune into my intuition and tune out other people’s opinions because the values give me a sense of ground from which my inner compass can regulate. I can then tune into my sense of what’s needed by Ferran or myself during the day, even when a well meaning person throws me an opinion in another direction.
What are your values? What do you care about for yourself, and your kids, as a parenting team?
When you are clear on your parenting values, it will give you a foundation to let others know how to be on your team or where you’d be willing to negotiate based on their preferences (time at grandma’s or play dates, etc). My foundation is how I stay more relaxed and trusting of myself and Ferran. It’s also how I navigate tricky situations with others with as much grace (or grit- if needed) as possible. Blessings to you on your journey!
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