Mom of the Year or Worst Mom Ever: It’s All About Perspective

Does it actually matter on our ability to parent, how we feel we are as moms? Say for example, I’m feeling like the worst mom and see everything I do through that lens on a given day. Or, on another day, say I’m feeling like I’ve got it down and should write a blog on how awesome this whole mommy job is going.

Do our kids suffer when we are down and stuck? Do they receive an amazing benefit when we are happy, radiant and bright?

There’s so much more to parenting than just fleeting feelings, so I say it doesn’t matter. Yep, doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t believe this for a moment if hadn’t already been working with this concept for the last decade. I continue to work on it cause it’s a tough one.

What does matter? How we relate to the ups and downs of our feelings.

How we relate is the perspective we are taking on ourselves in that moment. Is it okay that I’m feeling yucky or do I dump more on the feeling of yuck to make the worst thing ever?

For example…I often have highs and lows of energy. I run a lot of creative energy, which I love, but creative energy is very fast and over time it’s exhausting to the body. So, I have somewhat bipolar or manic depressive energy. Most people who run a lot of creative energy have these ups and downs. This is why so many of the profoundly creative people are labeled bipolar. I guess, luckily, I’m not profoundly creative, just sorta creative

I love the highs and feel awesome about myself. I hate the lows and feel negative about myself when I have lower energy. This relates to how I feel as a mom too. There are days I feel like mom of the year and that I dance around like a domestic goddess doing just enough of everything. Ahhh, then a few days or weeks later, I’m watching TV in a semi-coma feeling like I’m pretty worthless as a mom since I’ve not interacted much with my son all day.

Luckily my psychotherapy training at Naropa had a strong focus on the Buddhist philosophy on relating to life. The philosophy is that we will have highs and lows and it’s about making friends with ourselves through the whole sha-bang. It’s about at least having a whisper of saying to ourselves “It’s ok you feel yucky. Go ahead and feel depressed or angry. Shake hands with the yuck. A whisper even under the roar of “worst mom/wife/coworker/daughter/etc of the year”.

Why is it important to allow these feelings of yuck and not try to push them away? Because our kids are going to have feelings of yuck. No matter how frickin awesome we are as moms, our kids will have hard times. When we can allow our own yuck, we can allow them to have their yuck. Then the yuck doesn’t get stuck half expressed and, drumroll please…..the yuck moves on. When it’s ok for it to be there, it doesn’t stick. It only sticks when we keep pushing it away.

The tantrums, whining, yelling, those are our kids expression of their yuck. There are things we can do to help them in their yuck and sometimes, just disengaging (instead of yelling, bribing, negotiating for their yucky feelings to go away) and letting them have their yuck is the best thing to do. I have witnessed so many kids come around with an open heart after being allowed to just have their big feelings.

Limits, boundaries, respect are all super important to have in place, along with the allowing of the feelings. It’s the art of parenting. It’s the never ending dance. Start allowing the yuck with yourself, then you’ll intuitively know how to dance with your child’s feelings while holding boundaries of respect.

Just today I was feeling like I have been wasting my time, energy, creativity in various aspects and not at all sure what I should be doing with my time, creativity, energy in my precious small amounts not given to being a mom. The time just for me to do what I love outside of being a mom. I love writing about being a mom, so that’s what I’m doing.

I am able to write because I let myself feel super crappy all morning. I took a few moments to breathe into the stuck yuck. I reminded myself there was something to learn from the yuck, so it’s ok for it to stay until I learned what I needed. Ahhh, it moved within a few hours. When I push it away, which I still do often, it’ll get stuck for days.

Mom of the year or worst mom ever? Let them both be true because it’ll all change. If you are feeling really stuck on the worst mom ever, talk with a friend or get help. I’m also here to help. Sometimes we need a little lift out of the muck before we can make peace with the feelings. But, just in trying to make peace with our crappy stuff, trying to remember underneath the feelings there is a core of awesomely okay-ness, it’s a wonderful thing to model for our kids and that is what mom of the year is all about!