What to do now so your kid will still like you as an adult
You look into your sweet lil child’s eyes and he smiles back at you as your heart almost bursts open with love and joy. It’s this moment that makes all the hours of caregiving, limit setting, feeding, washing of dishes-clothing-floors-sticky hair worth it.
Every mother’s biggest goal in parenting is that her child is a happy adult who loves coming home. 
Loves talking with his mother. Loves offering and receiving support. Loves himself, and has many others who love him as well.
Helping parent achieve this goal is my main reason to offer parent education and why I’ve worked with families for over 15 years. In my time working with parents and kids, I have seen one theme over and over and over as being what feeds a relationship or what erodes it. A lot of current scientific research backs this up.
One of the main aspects of why relationship with kids flourishes or goes sour: Validation or invalidation.
Are you supporting & validating the light of your child on her path? Or are you trying to get her to do the right thing? Or feel the right thing and not be sad-mad-jealous? Thereby invalidating her wishes and feelings.
The 3 biggest ways parents invalidate their kids:
- Telling her, “You are OK.” when they are crying, angry, frustrated.
- Telling her, “You don’t really want that.” When she actually does. “You can’t do that.” By doing it for her, even when she really can do it.
- Telling her, “Here’s how to do it better” too many times a day.
Limit setting is a great example of where validation or invalidation happens. When you say no or set a limit, it often FEELS like you are invalidating your child because his response is often sad or mad. Setting limits is actually very important to a respectful relationship with your child.
Let’s say your child wants an American Girl doll- right now!
The limit is just the limit, not the invalidation, “No, I’m not going to go to the store and buy you an American Girl Doll right now.”
The invalidation happens when you dismiss her wants, “You don’t want an American Girl Doll, they are too expensive.” Or dismissing her feelings,”You are ok. It’s not that big of a deal. You might get one for Christmas.”
Here’s the validating response, “Yes, I hear you want the doll. You seem frustrated I won’t buy it for you.” Nothing needs fixed. Just let her know you heard her. You are validating that she has feelings about it. It’s that simple.
Here’s another example, your child wants to make an art project or build a robot/spaceship with you. You offer well meaning suggestions on how it could be better, “Stay inside the lines or it’ll look messy. Use this cardboard instead of the flimsy paper.” When this happens multiple times a day, she doesn’t trust herself and often looks to you for the right answers. Her wisdom is invalidated.
Even when you know there are ways to do it better, you let her guide. You offer questions instead of answers. “Yes, the paper was too flimsy to keep the spaceship up. What do you think would work better?”
Yes, be supportive and on occasion, give advice but mostly step back, watch, listen and support. This validation will help your child develop inner strength.
This inner strength is where the love flourishes.
It’s important to practice now so, when he’s 25 and calls you saying he made a mistake and got fired, you don’t invalidate him by coming from fear that he will screw up again. You don’t tell him all the ways you can see he could prevent it next time.
You trust he will find his way and instead of answers you offer supportive questions, “I love you. I know it’s hard getting fired. What happened? What could you do differently next time? I could tell you didn’t love that job, maybe there’s another type of job that would suit you better. Would you like to talk through some options?”
You realize he’s already got the natural consequence of getting fired. You aren’t going to step in and pay his bills, so he will learn quickly what it takes to keep a roof over his head. You don’t need to tell him anymore. Your job is to validate his ability to learn from the mistake, make the changes he needs to make, and support him by offering encouragement without “saving” him (paying his bills).
The root of a great relationship is trust.
Over and over I see kids thrive when they are given a basic trust to step up and be their unique awesome self.
As a trusting and validating mom, you’ll be a mom she will want to call during the low points of life. Knowing she won’t get a lecture but will get a “I know you’ll get through, I love you and trust you.”
May you enjoy love and validation with increase every day.
