Toddler Temper Tantrums

The key to solving toddler temper tantrums is easier than you might think. I found some great solutions in my years of working with toddlers (and bigger kids who acted like toddlers).

Toddler temper tantrums can be one of the hardest parts of parenting. They seem to come out of no where and for most people, push every one of our buttons.

Seriously, a crying fit over putting on a coat in the middle of winter. Or, screaming when the “wrong” color cup is offered with a smoothie made just how he likes it. It can feel like they are little dictators who are never satisfied.

The key to working with these toddler temper tantrums is consistency and non-reaction. Easy to say, hard to achieve.

There are two conflicting areas for tantrums, the short term and the long term. In the short term, getting the “right” color cup or allowing him to go to the car without the coat will often appease the fit. So, it’s a short term gain. Give what he wants and the screaming stops….ahhh.

I’m not saying don’t give your child what they request. It’s wonderful that so many parents will go the extra mile to help their kids feel validated by honoring their requests. It is often very helpful to treat your child as a full human with needs and wants that should be understood and allowed. When you start reading a bedtime book and your child starts picks up another book and gives it to you, great read that one instead. Not a big problem. It’s only a problem when it becomes a game of “let’s get mommy to do what I want dozens of times a day or I’ll throw a huge fit”. Kids love to see the impact they can create on others, especially parents!

If it’s not a game, then the tantrum is because she is tired, hungry, in pain or overstimulated. Really, it’s going to be a game or dis-regulation/pain. Just listen to her body language and your intuition on what’s underneath the escalation of emotions.

The problem in the short term around giving them what they want is that it’s a slippery slope and where do you draw the line? You need to decide before a tantrum. Make a list of your non-negotiables. It would be like: at mealtimes two or three choices of food are offered, no more and no exchanges on cups/plates. Appropriate clothing is required before leaving the house. Toys need to be cleaned up or they go away for a few days. Two books at bedtime. Bedtime is at 7:30 every night with a 20 min pre-bedtime routine to help the transition.

A list like this will help you stick to your limits and not unknowingly get pushed around during the day. Write down anywhere you feel struggles happen often and then write your limit to keep it clear and consistent. Offering choices is great, but you don’t have to keep offering choices that make you run around all day. “Do you want me to put on your winter coat or would you like to do it.” Your child then has a choice and it’s not “which coat do you want” or getting a coat for her and then having her say, “No, not that one I wanted the pink one upstairs.”

So, for long term success with reducing tantrums:

• Stay consistent with your limits. Yes, you will give in here and there to make the tantrum stop. We all get stressed and give in but try to stay consistent 80-90% of the time.
• Set a regular routine during the day. Regular meal times and nap/bedtimes are a must. Plan appointments, trips, playdates, etc around meal times. Keeping your child regulated will minimize tantrums. It’s sooooo important and will make a huge difference. I promise it’s worth the effort.
• When a temper tantrum starts, reflect back to her what is happening and don’t yell or rationalize with her just let her release. The reflection is the single most important thing you can do to help your child feel validated…way more than giving her what she wants. She just wants to know you heard her, more than actually having her way. “You wanted the blue cup and I gave you the red cup. The smoothie is in the red cup, not the blue. Yes, I hear you wanted the blue cup.” It’s not about the cup, it’s about seeing what impact she has on you, or she’s too hungry and therefore fussy.
• Don’t feed the tantrum with rationalizing with her, getting angry, making threats about what will happen later if she continues, really, don’t feed the drama. Reflect what you see, “You are upset you have the red cup.” Just do this a few times, then let the emotion train run it’s course and move on after it’s over.

When you don’t give into the limit testing, she will respect you more and feel safer. I promise your relationship will be stronger in the long term. I’ve seen it to be true over and over. Often, I’ve gotten a hug after doing the reflection and not giving into the demand (I’ve never gotten a hug after giving into a whiny demand, it seems the child respected me less and tried to get more out of me after it).

It’s not your job to keep your toddler happy. Yep, it’s ok to let him have a meltdown. I’ve seen so many kids just need to have the meltdown, cry, etc, then they are ok within minutes after getting it all out. When you try to keep ’em happy, they never get the emotional release of the meltdown.

So, make a list of limits, stay consistent, implement a regular eating/sleeping routine, reflect to your child what she wants so she knows you heard her, then don’t give in if it’s a non-negotiable (if it’s a simple request, and not a non-negotiable and you WANT to fulfill it, then go for it.) If your toddler’s temper tantrum follows the saying No, then allow the emotions.

Don’t feed the tantrum, just sit quietly then when it’s over, move on with your day. In 90% of the time this routine with tantrums will reduce the frequency of your toddler’s temper tantrums quickly. If tantrums keep happening multiple times a day for more than a month, something is feeding the tantrums. Look at how you might be feeding the tantrums or what might be underneath the continued roller coaster, dis-regulation, pain.

In my experience, with even autistic spectrum kids who are very easily dis-regulated and prone to emotional fits, there is always a way to reduce tantrums. If the above solutions aren’t working for you, I’m happy to talk and help see what’s at the root and how to help you and your child have more peace and less struggle.