Kids are weeds
How are kids weeds you might ask? (And weeds can be beautiful too!)
It seems a number of parenting theories say children are delicate flowers. Ready to wilt at any misstep by the parent. Did you say no too quickly instead of deeply listening? Did you give your child too little undivided attention to help him/her feel special? Through your sleep deprivation, did you allow the stress and frustration to come out in your voice?
Did you actually say no with a firm, unwavering stance when it was really, really important to your child, and now heaven forbid she might not feel like she has a voice or will get her needs met?
I am not of the mindset that kids are delicate flowers. They are infinitely adaptable. Too little water, too much sun? They will bounce back and thrive.
My wish for you is that you can let go of the guilt and trust yourself to do a good enough job to keep a resilient weed alive and able to thrive…. when you don’t shade them too much with hovering over them, and when you do provide a decent amount of containment and boundaries so they don’t grow too wild and take over, they will thrive.
Being a parent and such a gigantic influence on a child or children is scary. So many decisions and actions that could be hurtful. We want to make sure there aren’t too many things for our kids to look back on in their childhood to say, yeah that’s another time that I felt crushed and abandoned. In an effort to make sure they have few bad memories, it’s popular to try to make many moment special, joyful, memorable for it’s awesomeness.
I feel so grateful that my path before parenting lead me to work with children of every age. I cared for babies and toddlers from 30+ families, short term to 6+ years in a row. I lived in as a houseparent/counselor with teenage girls who were in juvenile justice placement (alternative to jail). I counseled families with kids with all kinds of diagnosis from ADHD to Bipolar.
I’ve seen the spectrum and know that kids are freaking resilient. Many kids who grew up with abuse on many levels and in families of gang violence were strong, happy, kind, compassionate, creative, overall wonderful humans. Some kids who have have been given endless opportunities for learning, expression, and activities were angry, depressed, and anxious.
In many cases, when the child was in total control of everything, they were more anxious because of the responsibility of “running the show”. When the parent or caregiver was providing structure and boundaries, kids were better able to radiate their unique gifts and joy because they could relax and be a kid. Besides being confident to set limits and consistently hold to them, everything else about parenting is icing on the cake, in most cases.
Limits are tricky…Here’s a podcast from one of my favorite parenting coaches on “Setting Limits with Respect“.
Holding consistent boundaries isn’t easy, doesn’t always feel good- especially when the child is angry or sad about the No. I had an awful time holding to the rules with the teenagers as a houseparent. I finally learned they suffered because of my being “nice”. They were more anxious around me than other houseparents who were consistent and not worried about being “mean”. But, boy did I feel mean sometimes, until I fully understood the boundaries were for the best long term. It’s tough and worth it!
In almost every child/teenager, their natural brilliance shines though with consistent boundaries, along with predictable structure to their day, and time for free play or alone time. In kids I worked with, the behavioral issues would fade and their gifts could radiate when they felt safe, when their caregivers were “in charge.” Kids flourished when the caregivers were creating an environment of safety, predictability and clear boundaries.
Kids don’t wilt with the word No. They don’t wither with consistent boundaries and consequences for overstepping boundaries. They do learn respect, for themselves and others. They do learn to know where they end and others begin and how to be kind, caring.
When you start feeling guilty as a bad mom, ask yourself…Do I love my child? Do I try my best? Does my child know I’m in charge (willing to step up and set limits) so they can relax and be a kid? Don’t worry about being kind, caring, joyful, attentive all the time, or even any more often than is reasonable for you in the moment. When you relax and trust yourself to do/be “good enough” then your family will relax and trust themselves too. After all that’s really what we want for our kids, self confidence and trust in themselves. They won’t wilt, just remember they are strong…and so are you!
